Here's all the random stuff that came out of my kids' mouths. I've included names where I actually remembered to write down who said what. You'll see some names pop up more than once and if you assume that student is quite the character, you'd be absolutely right. Common themes running through this list are anti-Japanese sentiment, my hair and impromptu Q&A sessions with me where no topic is off-limits! I'll give you categories to help sort through all the nonsense.
JAPAN IS EVIL
"Japan is just bad and crazy and terrible and criminal" - Leo
"I prefer North Korea to Japan"
"I hate Japan people"
Me: *teaching students about the Fukushima disaster in Japan*
Erica: Good. They deserve it. I wish they will all die
"Teacher, Japan should not exist"
"Japan is SAVAGE!" - Lauren
Reactions to my hair
"Teacher, how do you wash your hair?"
"Teacher, your hair is like spaghetti" (it was in braids)
"Teacher, your hair look like octopus"
"Teacher, was there a storm? Did you touch a toaster?" - Ella
"Teacher, your hair don't have gravity" - James
"Your hair look like popcorn"
"Teacher, you use coconut oil?" - Jamie
Gloria: *touches my hair without asking* hair feel like...spring? No...inside of doll
"tEacHeR wHAt hAppEneD tO YoUr hAiR?!?!" - Ella
Me: *walks into class with braids after a week of embracing my afro*
Ella: Much better
YoonyK (pronounced 'Unique'): *gazes at my hair* helloooo ramen teacher
"It look heavy"
"You look like mad scientist"
"Teacher why you hair so big?"
"Your hair like Medusa...like reggae hair" - Louis (this is what Koreans call dreadlocks/braids/twists and I hate it)
"You know Lil Pump? Yeah you look like that" - John
"Teacher, your hair is tired rabbit" - Thomas (I had two corn rows, he thought they looked like resting bunny ears)
"Why is your hair like that?" - Lucy
"Your hair look like volcano erupt" - Jei
"I really like your hair, it is very hip. I want my hair like this" - Diana
"Hair is disgusting" - Eric
"Teacher, your hair is very beautiful" - Jei
Kids roasting me for no good reason
"Teacher, you are always not right" - Michael
"Teacher, your shirt look like grandma shirt" - Tina
"Teacher, you're a Korean noob" - Rubin
Aaron: Teacher, you think you are beautiful?
Me: Yes, of course
Gloria: *appraises me* you are so-so
"Teacher, you look like a little girl"
"Teacher, are you broke?" - YoonyK
Personal questions
"Teacher, do you think you are handsome?" - Jun
"Teacher, you have boyfriend?" "Teacher, you have baby?" "Teacher, you have puppy or baby?" - Aaron
"How money do you have?" - Aaron
"Teacher, did you kiss with your boyfriend?" (the topic was mono, the "kissing disease")
Leo: Teacher, you have credit card debt?
Me: No
Leo: Ooh, flex
"Do [name of company redacted] pay you many money?"
Tristan: Teacher do you have many money?
Me: Yes, many
Tristan: Then why do you work this job?
"Teacher, what kilogram are you?" - Dahyun
"You don't have a boyfriend or you can't have a boyfriend?" - Fabiola
"Your phone case is so old. Why is this your case? Are you poor?" - Jei
Assorted nonsense/racism/questions
"Teacher, I think there's me in the Voldemort" - Erica
"Teacher, I think Erica is psychopath" - Jun
"I smell very good" - Eugene
"Teacher, what is IQ spelling?" - Jun
We're discussing addiction in class
Me: Guys, what do you think I'm addicted to?
Assorted children: Hairstyles. Ramen. Work. Vegetables
Brian: Teacher, what is this? *shows me a picture of the spaghetti monster on his tablet*
Me: Brian, how did you find this picture?
Brian: Spaghetti
"Teacher, do you like water meat?" - Aaron (he meant fish)
Jun: *shows me thicc daddy Thanos on his tablet* what?
Me: *seizes his tablet and holds back laughter*
"Teacher, you laugh like Harry King. No, Harley Quinn" - Brian King
Me: *teaching the students about racism, some of them for the first time*
Eugene: People are mysterious
"Teacher, vampires are kind of mosquito?" - Jun
"Teacher, god is real?" - Jun
Brian: Teacher, you know "hehe boi"?
Me: What?
Brian: Hehe boi
Me: Hehe WHAT
Brian: Look. You know this man? *points to a picture of Ainsley Harriott on his tablet*
Me: Yes, why is he called hehe boi?
Brian: *shows me a Youtube video called 'hehe boi' where Ainsley grins at the camera and literally says 'hehe boi'*
"I think my mum's shape is not beautiful. I think my shape is more beautiful" - Gloria
Gloria: My friend told me I am more ugly than her because I am dark and she is light
Me: And how did that make you feel?
Gloria: I don't mind because I am more pretty and my friend is wrong
Me: *showing students disgusting Bushtucker Trial clips from I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!*
Chaea: UK people are psychopaths
"Godzilla destroy USA and Megaladon eat Japan" - Seonkyu
"Trump is trash"
"Kim Jong Un is more good than Trump"
"HAEMMORRHOIDS!" - Seonkyu
"Teacher, you know penis?"(pronounced peh-nis) - Seonkyu
"KOCHU!!!!!!!!" (Korean word for "spicy pepper" but also a euphemism for penis)
"Be quiet, my ear is broken"
"Do you know Donald J. Trump? Do you know Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart?" - Seonkyu
James: *calls his mum during class for the lols then hands the phone to me* say hello
Me: *shows students a picture of the Sphinx*
Students: Ahh, spinkus
Justin: Teacher, can I die?
Me: No
Justin: It is my wish
"I know Japanese. Very many thing. Sushi. Abe. Ramyun" - Seonkyu
"I know Chinese. Ni hao. Mao Zedong" - Seonkyu
"Don't touch me. This is my no-no square"
Me: *shows students a picture of a floppy disk and asks them if they know what it is*
Rubin: What is it? Looks like a boomerang
"My soul is black and I like it that way" - Lauren
"Trump is a fool man" - Rubin
Me: *shows students a picture of Jeff Bezos*
Students: The head is so white. Clear. Shiny
"Hell is better than [name of company redacted]"
Me: To infinity and be-
James: -YONCÉ!
Me: *plays computer dial-up sound for students to hear for the first time*
Wendy: aaaAHHHH SCARY!
Me: Can you guys think of a country that people escape as refugees?
Students: *silence*
Me: Think close to home
Students: *silence*
Me: A country that people ESCAPE because it's DANGEROUS
Catherine: England?
Catherin: You have older brother?
Hailey: Yes
Catherin: Disgusting
Catherin: You know Narnia?
Hailey: Yes
Catherin: I like Aslan. Handsome.
"Teacher, Ellie 2 said I'm trash!" - Ellie 1
"Teacher I want to study. Don't want to play" - Edison
"In future I will be grandpa" - Justin
Me: What kind of ideal future partner would you like?
Justin: Model
"Teacher is internet! Teacher is famous!" - Rubin after googling me
Me: If you had $1 billion how much would you give?
Kai: $1
"Teacher, why I born?" - Luna
"[name of company redacted] CEO make many money but no fun" - Luna
Me: What age do you want to live until?
Various students: 145! 80!
Stella: 40
Me: Stella, why 40?!
Stella: Because I don't want to work
Me: *shows Darth Vader* who is this?
Yuna: Star Wars Black Man
"I am wrong but I am genius" - Diana
"I do not know how to use my brain" - Diana
"I'm Fabiola" - Fabiola (she announces this maybe 20 times per lesson for absolutely no reason)
"I heard that TikTok has many handsome guys" - Fabiola
"I think I am so cutie" - Fabiola
"Teacher, Thomas can twerking" - Fabiola
"How do twerking? Like this?" *slowly rolls neck* - Brian
"Teacher, you know Cardi B?" - Fabiola
"Agree to my opinion, right now! Please" - Brian
"My mother said African women are only fat or thin. I think you are thin" - Hanny
"If you don't poop, you will die" - Brian
Me: I am going home to England
Daniel: Teacher send me a picture of Eiffel Tower
Me: The Eiffel Tower is in France, Daniel
Daniel: Oh, Big Ben
Daniel: *makes some dumb request that I decline*
John: You're ruining his future
Me: That's okay, doesn't bother me
John: But yellow lives matter too...*thinks for a while* I have a dream
Me: What can you do for the environment?
Jeffrey: Die or turn off lights
"You don’t have money so you can’t buy. You are so poor" – Tony Moon
Me: An archaeologist is someone who digs for bones and treasure and other old things
Alex: Dog is archaeologist?
Me: *walks into class*
Chan: Salaam alaikum
Me: Where did you learn that?
Chan: YouTube
Me: Does Korea have an FBI?
Eric: No, Korea has KKK
Alex: Teacher, Jesus was real?
"Ah yes! England is Gordon Ramsay" - Roy
"America is Illuminati. Soviet is Illuminati. Armstrong was Illuminati" - Roy
"Teacher, do you prefer fresh trash or rotten trash?" - Fabiola
"You are not good at English. Study" - Brian to Dahyun
"Please tell me...why my name is James" - James
"Teacher, do you think climate change is real? Why? Do you like Greta?" *starts telling me about how climate change is a scam and Greta is a fake* - John
"Some people say there are 76 genders. How can there be 76 genders? You are boy or girl. How could you love a trans?" - John (I told him plenty of people manage to do it so it obviously can't be that hard)
"Chinese people are not smart" - Fabiola
Me: *shows videos of Korean, Kenyan and indigenous Hawaiian beauty standards*
Brian: I want GERMANY! USA! GERMANY! USA!
Me: Hawaii is USA
Brian: I want to see white people. They're all black people
Me: *pauses the video* no, they're not but also what's the problem with that?
Brian: *realises I'm black* ...no
Me: *shows random black man*
Fabiola: Martin Luther King!
"I am not lesbian" - Fabiola
"I will marry a man who is old and rich" - Fabiola
"I dyed my hair turquoise but it clashed with all my outfits" - Lauren
"I want to become a Bear Grylls" - Jeffrey
"You really look like avocado" - Jei
Me: *explains what an acquaintance is* someone you know that's not your friend
John: Oh, my mother
Me: Bye Justin, I really liked having you as a student. I think you're very fun
Justin: Yes. I am very fun
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